Navigating my Yearning for Casual Encounters While Seeking a Meaningful Relationship
As a gay man in my late 40s, I’ve spent many, largely pleasurable years pursuing spontaneous encounters with other men since the age of 19. During my fourth decade, I was in a committed partnership which continued for four years, however I never felt completely content, because I felt neither loved nor sexually nourished. Truthfully, my constant desire has been for casual sex. Whenever I begin seeing any man, when the initial excitement dwindles, an impulse arises to be intimate with new partners once more.
Questioning the Feasibility of Monogamy
Currently, I'm contemplating whether it's possible for me to sustain a faithful partnership. I'm aware that many gay men have open relationships, yet when I’ve witnessed them, they appear like hard work, often resulting in lots of pain and jealousy for everyone involved. To a large extent, I desire another man to care for me while letting me pursue other intimacies, but I dread to imagine the psychological toll this would cause. Should I just keep having spontaneous encounters and acknowledge that a lasting partnership is not possible? I feel a bit lost.
Each individual's intimate path varies. Avoid considering about what you require in partnerships or your capacity to handle various forms of intimate connections as fixed. What you need in your current state may well change down the road; at a certain time you may find yourself less ambivalent and discover greater understanding and a suitable route … or perhaps not. At some point you could encounter a person offering a transformative opportunity for you through mirroring what you want completely … and at another point you might decide that non-committal encounters suit you best. Worrying about the future and playing the “What if?” game is merely rooted in fear and squandering of your energy. Try to be in the moment in your relationships, and see the value of each person you connect with intimately an intimate bond. When and if you are ever ready to deepen genuine closeness with a single person, you will know.
- Pamela Stephenson Connolly practices as a American psychotherapist focusing on treating sexual disorders.
